Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hellraiser (1987)

Until a day or so ago the only thing I knew about the Hellraiser franchise of movies was the memorable appearance of the ‘pinhead’ character; a cenobite played (in most iterations of the series) by Doug Bradley. Before I decided to take on the task of watching and reviewing this movie and its many sequels I did a bit of googling. I found that this film shares a peculiar circumstance with a fairly well known Stephen King work: Children of the Corn. Like ‘CotC’, Hellraiser started as a short story written by Clive Barker. Well, actually it went something like short story to novella, finally extrapolated to its own 400-page novel, after the fact. That’s right though, at first it wasn’t even its own book. I’m making no critiques based on that fact alone, though. I’m ashamed to say that though I consider myself an avid Stephen King reader, I haven’t gotten to read or watch Children of the Corn yet. I know… some horror movie blogger, right? Anyway, if you’re like me you might wonder how, in both of these cases they managed to squeeze 7+ hours of cinema out of a ‘short’ story. I guess until I actually read this short-novella-story-novel and finish all the sequels I won’t know either. Anyway, enough philosophical, way-too-much-thought-into-it bullshit, I’ve got a few words to say about the first movie. Or, if you’re one of those fucktards… “Hellraiser 1”.

The movie starts us out with a guy paying what looks like a dickload of money for some odd-looking puzzle box sort of thing. Guy takes it home, finds out how to open it and bam! Hooks come out of every direction and tear the poor bastard to pieces. I assume then we’re seeing another dimension where all his pieces and parts end up and a deformed group of people peruse them. We’re then introduced to the handful of main characters that includes Larry, his wife Julia and his daughter Kirsty. (That last one is pronounced Keeersty, if you’re wondering.) Julia is Larry’s second wife and she seems rather disgusted with everything, including Larry. Oh, and her British accent ties in nicely with her shitty-pants attitude. We actually find out pretty quickly into the movie that Larry’s loving wife had had an affair or several with his scumbag brother in the past. Turns out, scumbag brother is the same dumbass at the beginning of the movie that paid way too much for a box that ultimately fucked his world up. At this point I’m hoping this bitch dies first... and I think that’s what they want us to hope for… because, of course, it doesn’t happen quite like that. Long story short, old Lar’ cuts his hand, drips blood onto the very floor where his brother’s pieces and parts got mysteriously sucked down into when that puzzle box got the better of him. Apparently fresh ‘live’ blood is just what the doctor ordered for reanimating exploded dead corpses. Julia is the first to discover that some of Frank has come back to life, not that anyone knew he was dead. He’s a shit-colored slimy skeleton dude. Interestingly enough, they used two different actors for alive-Frank and dead-Frank. Anyway, because she’s so hopelessly still in love with this guy, she begrudgingly agrees to bring him some more fresh blood. The limey old hag somehow seduces a few gentlemen callers over and when she gets them up to dead-Frank’s attic lair, she busts their heads open with a claw hammer. After either two or three of these pitiful, desperate assholes, Frank is almost back to alive-Frank status. As much as a guy who got torn into bits could be. It ends up that this frigid bitch actually cons her own husband into being the dessert for his own scumbag brother. You see, the skin that got ripped all to bits just wouldn’t go back together right. So, being that brothers share things (like bitchy old limey hags) Larry decided he had grown quite tired of being alive and having his own skin and decided to give it to Frank. Ahh, fuck it, we really need to fast forward this some more… Kirsty finds Uncle Frank, thinks that it’s really her father, finds out it’s not, manages to steal the puzzle box (I don’t know why either) and ends up in the fucked up dimension herself. Makes a deal with the lead Cenobite “Pinhead” that she can prove that her uncle managed to bring himself back to life… Cenobite Pinhead is pissed off and he seems to consider sparing her life if what she says is true. They somehow follow her back to the house and she cunningly gets Frank to reveal his true identity… she escapes just as they have the wires hooked up to him for the second time. Bam! Frank’s dead for good. Oh… almost forgot the best news of all. The hag finally dies, fittingly enough, at the hands of her own bad boy lover, Frank.

When I started writing this post I was going to say that I liked this movie because of its rather shitty, claymation-looking special effects and mild-to-medium gore. I still like those things, but I guess it’s just too painful to really synopsize a lot of the important plot details. I guess I was expecting to find out more about this Cenobite Pinhead and less about weird-ass dysfunctional families. To be honest I do look forward to watching the next couple movies and I’m hoping that the sequels to this movie explore this underworld a bit more. Maybe I should just try Children of the Corn…


Friday, August 14, 2009

Holy marshmallow Batman

Have you ever seen such monsters as these??

If you have I am fucking happy for ya...cause I've never seen 'em and am a bit stoked...So I was at the store earlier and saw these hugemungous marshmallows and decided that EVERYONE needs them!! The bag is a mix of regular and strawberry and taste fanfuckingtastic...

Bitches need marshmallows!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"It's milkin' time"

I know, I know...Elvira Mistress of the Dark isn't exactly 'horror' but I had to sneak it in! I love it!! Filmed in 1988 with Cassandra Peterson as her incredibly awesome alter-ego Elvira and Edie McClurg as Chastity Pariah who is also the crazy neighbor in Dicky Roberts: Former Child Star and the girl with huge glasses in Carrie.

Mistress of the Dark starts off with Elvira hosting an old and awful horror flick on a local television station, when the show is over she meets the new owner of the station, who is only after sex (but who's not from Elvira?). Elvia quits her job at the station and finds out her Great Aunt Morgana Talbot has passed away and left something to Elvira. She drives to the town of Fallwell to find her Aunt has left her a house, a dog and a recipe book. Elvira also meets her Great Uncle Vincent Talbot who is only after the recipe book.

Elvira stays in Fallwell for a while and most of the townspeople are not happy. Elvira is told the bowling alley is the place to go in town, when she arrives she is greated by two disgusting and perverted jerks who she pours beer on and is helped by Bob Redding. Elvira immediately has an interest in Bob who runs the local movie theater. The kids in the town bring supplies and paint and help Elvira fix up Morgana's house. She then hosts a midnight show at Bob's theater with the kids in town where Patty, a woman who thinks she is Bob's girlfriend, pours tar and feathers on Elvira.

Back at Morgana's Elvira makes a casserole that turns into a monster from the recipe book for her and Bob and decides to use this recipe to get back at the townspeople at a picnic they are all having. Instead of a monster the casserole the town eats turns into some sort of love potion and everyone crawls all over one another for attention. Vincent, Elvira's uncle, tells everyone that she was a witch and put a spell on them and should be burnt at the stake. Elvira learns about the ring she wears on her finger is magical and saves herself from the riot and bonfire she finds herself infront of. Elvira wins the battle with her uncle thanks to her Aunt's dog 'Gonk'.

Elvira gets a show in Las Vegas that she has been trying to land. We all love a spider lady with boob tassles? Oh, and who knew she could rap?

I love this movie with its rediculous jokes and puns. It's the best with breast, a huge black wig, a shapeshifting dog and a town that thinks they rule the world! If you haven't seen it you need to, if you have and don't love it something is wrong with you! Check it out!
"Unpleasant Dreams!"

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ah, fuck....

So, obviously from the last post being nearly a month ago I haven't done much of anything. We have been pretty busy on some projects; a truck, a fish tank and a trip to Pittsburgh and fell short of watching all the kick ass movies we have stacked up. Since I prefer the essence of cheap scares along with blood and gore at night I will be waiting til this evening to start catching up. But we did go buy House of the Dead Overkill for Nintendo Wii today.

The game is pretty cheesy, pretty awesome, kinda stupid, pretty awesome. It's a first person shooter and it's got the zombies they only call mutants. The weapons aren't the best ever and the narration well...fuck off...but I like everything else. Especially this guy;

A fucking giant with a baby that talks hanging off his belly and mutant clowns that do flips when they are attacking you.

O.K. we will be back after some gaming and bring a movie to ya.