Friday, November 20, 2009

The Shining (1980)

Eva told me before I decided to dust off my copy of The Shining and attempt a review of it that it's a pretty ambitious task. I'm pretty sure now that after watching it about one and a half times and doing some research that ambitious might be an understatement. So as this doesn't end up like the treacherous book-report style of my last review, I'll leave out the plot details. Not only to keep the length short, but also because of the novel. When I first got into Stephen King books about... almost ten years ago, the second book I read was The Shining. And... believe it or not I'd actually never seen the whole 1980 version of the film, nor any version for that matter. I'd only been familiar with the popular references to the film in popular culture; things like "Here's Johnny" and "redrum".

Anyway, I sped through the book rather quickly and at this point in time I cannot recall a lot of it. I do remember thinking once I'd finished the book that I would be pretty astonished if that book was successfully fit into a 2 hour and 20 minute movie. Well.... it wasn't really. On the DVD itself it says "Stanley Kubrick's The Shining" and that couldn't be more true. I've only watched two other Kubrick films ('Full Metal Jacket' and 'Eyes Wide Shut') and the novel aside, this film seems to meet all the 'criteria' that make a Kubrick film. I haven't studied his work excessively, but I do know that a lot of his acclaim comes from his use of new (at the time) camera angles, such as we see when Jack is trapped in the dry food storage room. Overall, the film leaves you with a rather uncomfortable feeling, a lot like those other two did the first time I'd watched them.

Because I have a tendency to go on and on about plot details that aren't neccessary to a review, I've elected to do my reviews in a more 'pros and cons' format as follows.

What I liked about The Shining:

Scatman Crothers - The character Dick Hallorann is my favorite in this movie. The kind old man and his insight on the 'shine' are really the key that unlocks the big mystery of this movie. Also I think it's funny as shit when he says "...they turned out to be completely unreliable assholes." And his winter house down in Florida looks pretty sweet.

"...a dozen jugs of black molasses, we got sixty boxes of dried milk, thirty twelve-pound bags of sugar... Now we got dried peaches, dried apricots, dried raisins and dried prunes."

Jack Torrance - Jackie must hold a record for the shortest amount of time for a character in a movie to go from 'pretty normal asshole' to 'batshit crazy'. Granted, their stay at the Overlook was quite a long and solitary one. I still think that the degree of batshit crazy that he goes is quite incredible. I found myself laughing when he fell down the staircase or when he was chopping away at the second door. "Little pigs!" The disheveled look combined with wailing an axe at a door that he honestly may have been able to kick in is a great combination. It's great for a few laughs.

The 'Caretaker' Position - Am I the only one who would so do this job? I don't think so. A whole hotel to yourself? All the goodness of a veritable bomb-shelter of food and supplies to last you for a couple years? Oh... and get fucking paid for it? I'm so in. It's the same reason why I love movies like Dawn of the Dead... a whole mall to yourself? See, in the Shining, it's better because you don't have the threat of zombie attacks. Anyway, I've always felt I had to share that. I first realized it I think when Dick Hallorann is listing off all the foods in the freezer and dry storage room. Damn!

What I didn't like about The Shining:

Wendy Fucking Torrance - Ok, I know it's sort of a horror movie, but does she have to spend the last 45 minutes of the movie screaming? I know it's a horror staple, but maybe I just can't stand her scream. And... AND... who in the holy crap-fuck taught this lady how to hold a bat? I can't stand her using both hands to hold the middle of the bat while she's being inched up the stairs by Jack. I guess I should really be happy that she isn't holding the fucker backwards... oh well.

The Novel vs. The Movie - This is one of the Stephen King books that, when 'adapted' to film, should have been given a different name. I'm trying not to ruin the novel or the movie for anyone who might not've seen/read them, but the ending of the movie is downright disappointing. If you feel this way too, read the book. Don't know why the Overlook Hotel is such a bad place? Read the book. I'm not saying don't watch the movie, but if you already have, give the book a shot. It's a hefty 600+ pages, but you'll be glad you did.

Overall, I like this movie and I could watch it a thousand times and not get bored of if, but it really is not an adaptation of the book, it's Stanley Kubrick's take on the novel. In the future I'm going to be trying to get my hands on a copy of the miniseries version of this movie, and even sooner than that I'm going to re-read the book with all the emptiness that I'm feeling after reading others' comparison of the book vs. the movie. Stay tuned for the Book and miniseries review. I'm finishing out another King novel at the moment but I do think a refresher course on The Shining is well overdue.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

Psycho (1960)

Jordy has ever so lovingly left me home alone this Halloween night, at least until much later. And as it is there is nothing to do until peak bar hour so, I have decided to bring you the original Psycho.

The first time I saw Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho I was a tiny little kid running around screaming as my mother tried to put my little brother and myself to bed after the insane amount of sugar we consumed on Halloween night. I remember my mom and dad sitting down after we were "in bed" and hearing the music of Psycho. I love, though it did always frighten me, the perfection the pieces of movie fit into the music. I remember pulling tricks like; "Mommy, I'm thirsty", "My belly hurts" anything to catch a glimpse at the master piece I wasn't allowed to watch. Don't misunderstand, we were raised on horror flicks, the best too! Psycho was just one of the ones my mom left from the box for a while. Other than that specific night I can't honestly say I remember too much of where my love for Alfred Hitchcock movies and shows came from.

Psycho is the sort of incredible you couldn't anticipate. The man and woman of the hour are Marion Crane played by Janet Leigh and Norman Bates by Anthony Perkins. Marion Crane embezzles 40K from her employer, she is supposed to deposit the money and takes a little trip instead. Marion's boyfriend Sam lives in another town and she decides she is going for a little vacation and picking Sam up on the way. She drives all through the night and pulls over for sleep on the highway, a knock on the window and a police officer has questions. The officer lets Marion go after checking her license and she's off to the next town to buy a new car, clever girl. She then drives on, then comes Bates Motel.

Marion is so exhausted she pulls in to the motel this time instead of the shoulder of the highway. She is immediately met by Norman Bates, a very backward, sheltered mama's boy. Norman gives her cabin one and invites Marion up for dinner, she accepts and he runs up to the house atop the hill behind the motel to prepare sandwiches. Marion hides the money in a newspaper and over hears Norman being yelled at by an older woman claiming no whore is welcome into her home! Norman then runs sandwiches and milk down to the motel and the two eat together in the parlor.

They talk and some things seem to agitate Norman and Marion says she is going to bed. Norman watches as Marion gets undressed and ready to take a shower, soon after a woman runs into the bathroom knife in hand and Marion is stabbed repeatedly, Michael Myers style. Yes, yes the infamous shower scene. This part is the most widely remembered and talked about part of the movie.

Norman, up in the house with his mother keeps repeating that there is blood and runs to cabin 1. He then proceeds to clean up the body and blood and puts Marion, car and all into a swamp sharing land with the motel. Of course, then come those pesky family members looking for their loved one. Marion's sister Lila and boyfriend Sam hire private detective Milton Arbogast to find her. Lila, hoping if Arbogast finds Marion first she will return the money and be in less trouble, waits with Sam patiently for her missing sister. The detective calls and says he's checked the Bates Motel, knows she stayed there and things seem a bit fishy, he is going to look around more. Milton Arbogast goes into Norman's home wanting to speak to his mother and is met instead on the steps to the upstairs by a woman slicing his face open with a knife. Hours later, after no word from Arbogast, Lila and Sam go to the sheriff. They are then told the next morning the sheriff went to see Norman, nothing suspicious happened AND file a missing persons form. Lila won't give up on her sister and the two check into the motel as husband and wife. Sam distracts Norman while Lila goes up to the house where she discovers Norman dresses up as his dead mother, whose skeleton he has hidden in the fruit cellar. A Psychiatrist sees Norman and finds that Norman thinks he is his mother and goes back and forth between the two personalities.

Who knew it had nothing to do with 40,ooo dollars? I love this movie!! I must admit I'm not a HUGE black and white fan but this is a movie I could watch over and over! There of course is a remake...I can't say the same for it. Psycho was remade in 1998 with Vince Vaughn cast as Norman Bates. I love Vince he's that awesome obnoxious funny but backward psycho is not his strong suit. Anthony Perkins is a MUCH better Norman Bates!


Friday, October 30, 2009

My Bloody Valentine...

Where to start?!

The original My Bloody Valentine came out in 1981. The movie starts off with a man in a miner's suit hanging out in a mine with a woman who begins taking her clothes off. The miner puts his pick axe in the wall, the woman has a heart tattoo right in that spot where you know...the heart is...anyway...the miner slams the woman into the pick axe and the next thing you know there is a human heart in a heart shaped candy box. Fast forward much people are being killed by Harry Warden, or so people think, a man who was caught in a mine collapse and lived on the bodies of other miners. The moral of the story becomes the town can't celebrate Valentine's day because that is what led to the supervisor's of the mine leaving without making sure everything was done right. So Harry Warden is locked in an asylum and the town lives in fear of candy boxes with body parts. As the sheriff and mayor realize they cancel all festivities and tell everyone to go home, no parties, no dance, peace out!

Who knew the dumb fucks in town would have a party right at the mine?! Some of the kids go down into the mine cause the girls want to 'take a ride' on the mine cart. As they are walking through the mine they are slowly killed by one... Some kids get away drive to find the sheriff, tell him what's up and another goes down into the mine to get the others. These fuckers are running for their lives and then there were two. The two realize it's their very own friend...not Harry Warden...the sheriff comes..says Harry died 5 years back and viola it's Axel...his father was killed by Harry that first Valentine's day and little Axel saw the entire thing. He goes crawling off into the mine talking to Harry as if he were in his head. Basically, not the best movie.

So, I have to say I love the new one...I gave this one a shot...don't love it...I don't hate it...but there are quite a few differences and the newer is least I think. Characters are changed a bit, the story is better laid out...and much more in depth. My Bloody Valentine (1981) is...alright!

What better to do than continue watching movies on the wonderful night before Halloween?!?!?! We will keep bringing 'em to ya..


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Been a while...(again)

A crisis here, an emergency there...and it's been a while since we had a chance to do anything again...

So, the other day I got this lovely in the mail and I was just wondering if anyone else has seen it?!?

I don't know about anyone else but this is pretty fucking creepy? scary? horrible?? This came from know the ones who say EVERYTHING is awful and mean...and cruel...but would make a mask showing Ronald McDonald as the scariest fucking clown you've seen...

Anyway...this post doesn't have anything to do with them just a crazy pretty fucking scary mask (or so I think) that I got in the mail this week.

Am I the only one who finds that clown disturbing? I mean...I already have a serious fear/hate for clowns so this is just fucking scary to me...only me?

P.S. My scanner is the smallest piece of shit...sorry for the pics!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

"I've been to Vidal Sassoon."

This movie came out forty-one years ago. Though I haven't been alive quite that many years I still have no good excuse as to why it has taken me this long to watch this film. Before I watched it, the only thing I knew of this movie was that it was about a lady, a baby, and there was something scary about it... that's it.

Ok, let's start where most things do, the beginning. This movie starts us out on a nice young couple who are apartment shopping. Their names are Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse. Guy is a small-time actor, mostly commercials and a play or two, and Rosemary is your typical young sixties housewife. We see them approach an old-looking, monstrous apartment building and when they open the door to the newly-available apartment, the only thing I could think was 'did they say apartment?' I guess people needed more living space back then, but man... my house could fit into their living room. Anyway, jealousy aside, they... rather Rosemary falls in love with the place and they agree to sign a lease. One odd thing that does come up on their tour of the place is the fact that a large secretary (old-tyme name for some furniture) had been moved to cover up the doorway to a closet. Everyone dismisses it as the former tenant's senility and everyone seems to forget it.

Anyway, Guy and Rosemary are as happy as clams in their cozy new apartment and all is well. Shortly after they've moved in, Rosemary is doing laundry in the basement laundry 'facility' and happens on a nice young girl also doing laundry. They strike up a conversation because Rosemary mistakes her for a famous actress. We come to find out that the young girl's name is Terry and that she was being taken care of by some nice older folks that just happen to live right next to the Woodhouses on the seventh floor. She mentions that these nice old folks are named the Castevet's. Some time passes and then holy shit... Rosemary and Guy are walking on the sidewalk in front of their apartment building and they come across the grisly scene of an apparent suicide. And whose head is it that's split open on the sidewalk before them? That nice young girl, Terry. Understandably, having just seen her new found friend half-smashed into the pavement, Rosey is kinda upset. While everyone is still around the accident scene (an apparent suicide) an old couple walks up and right away we know that it's the Castevet's. What's rather disturbing is that they almost seem defiant that such a thing could happen, not really too upset over the fact that their long-term live-in guest is deader than shit.

Fast forward to the next day and the odd, nosey neighbor Mrs. Minnie Castevet stops over to share her appreciation for the nice words that Rosey spoke about her the night before at the accident scene. A day or so later, Minnie invites Guy and Rosey over for dinner and Rosey all but promises them that they'll be over. Well... this just not good at all for Guy but he begrudgingly accepts, reassuring himself that it will be his good deed for the day. As it turns out, Guy all but falls in love with Minnie's husband Roman, and he finds that he jut can't get enough of his stories. From this point, their friendship becomes almost too much for Rosey to bear. She must've felt at this point that she'd created a monster... heh... little did she know. A week or so after their first visit with the Castevet's, the Woodhouses decide to have a romantic evening of dinner, 1960's music and shag-carpet baby-making. Not too long into dinner, there's a knock at the door and it's Minnie... thankfully she only stopped by to offer some of her favorite chocolate mousse (though she pronounces it mouse) for the Woodhouses to enjoy for dessert. Guy enjoys his and makes quite short work of it... however Rosey says that there's something wrong with hers and claims it has an 'under'taste. Whatever the hell that is... it must've meant that there was definitely something wrong with it. Not even a few minutes after dinner, Rosemary starts to stumble around and fall down like some crazy drunk bitch. Guy decides its time to go to bed, but Rosey protests because tonight was supposed to be baby making night. Guy says something to the effect of 'aw shucks, we got other nights, darlin'. Anyway Rosemary drifts off into a nightmare that is second only to the riverboat tunnel ride in Willy Wonka in terror-inducing creepiness. We viewers don't really know what just happened, but we're pretty sure that Rosey just got it on with a beast-thing with a lot of naked old people watching. We're relieved that when she wakes up, Guy tells her that he decided to go ahead and take advantage of baby-making night. Oh, and those scratches on her back and side? Not from beast-claws at all... just a symptom of Guy's extra long fingernails.

Fast forward some more and we find out that yay! Rosey is pregnant. Everyone's excited and in the excitement, Minnie, Roman and Guy decided for Rosemary that she's going to start going to a big-time expensive OBGYN instead of this Dr. Hill that she had been going to. So, because he's famous and expensive, Rosey goes along with it and finds that this Dr. Sapirstein has a quite uncommon schedule of treatment for Rosemary's pregnancy. No medicines, no vitamins... just a home-concocted shake from Minnie every day. Rosey doesn't question this because Minnie's quite a nice old lady, though she's a bit weird, and she has her own herb garden right in her kitchen, so it's gotta be good for her, right?

Anyway... as Rosey's pregnancy progresses, she loses a drastic amount of weight, becomes pale and even has some pretty severe abdominal pains. Not a good thing when you're a pregnant lady, methinks. Anyway, she gets a visit from her former neighbor, Hutch. He seems quite alarmed at her condition, though he found that Dr. Sapirstein said it was quite normal to be in excruciating pain for every waking moment of a pregnancy.... hah! Right. Anyway, Hutch gets a chance to meet Roman from next door and shortly after he's on his way out the door. A day.. maybe two later Rosemary gets a call from Hutch, he states that it's urgent that she meet with him the next day. When he doesn't show, she tries to call him from a phone booth and finds that he suddenly 'fell ill' the night before and was now in a coma. Devastated at this news she goes home and tries not to worry too much about what was so urgent and continues on with her pain-ridden pregnancy.

"'They're a bunch of not-very-bright bitches who ought to mind their own God-damned business'"

Because by this point in the movie they've been pretty much constantly surrounded by old people, Rosemary decides to have a party and invite some of their younger friends that they haven't seen in a while. At one point in the party, Rosemary can hide her pain no longer and damn near collapses by one of her friends. This friend and a couple others usher her into the kitchen and they're shocked to find that this doctor she's been seeing hasn't prescribed any treatment for the intense pain. All the "not-too-smart bitches" suggest to her that she get a second opinion. Later that night, though, Guy wants to hear no talk of a second opinion. He's more concerned with how Dr. Sapirstein's feelings will be hurt than with his wife's intense pain. At the height of their argument.. poof, pain is all gone and that baby is kicking. No more pain.. no more reason for a second opinion. Here's where she went wrong, I think.

At this point everything is lah-de-da and everyone's happy right? Wrong... Rosemary gets an urgent phone call the next day and she finds that her good friend Hutch is dead. That's right, he's dead. Rosemary just barely makes it to his funeral and his lady-friend, of which we know nothing else about, gives Rosemary an important package, a book, specifically, and a message... something about a name being an anagram. Rosey takes the book home and it's a book about witchcraft and all the practices of the occult and Satan worship and the like. She tries and tries to figure out what the anagram is with the book's title but comes up with nothing. It's when she notices a name in the book underlined that she uncovers that her dear neighbor, Mr. Roman Castevet is actually the son of a big-time devil-worshipper who had claimed to successfully summon the living Satan up from hell itself once.

From this point, Rosemary starts to figure everything out and she finds that pretty much everyone in their immediate area is in on it... this baby-stealing plan. They want her baby's blood for their rituals... or so she thinks. Right about now, though, that second opinion from Dr. Hill is seeming like a very good idea. So Rosey takes her stash of 'mad money', packs a bag, makes a frantic phone call or two and finds her way to Dr. Hill's office and it looks like she and her baby will finally be safe. As she's telling Dr. Hill about all the discoveries she's made, he regards her without any real expression. So maybe he doesn't think she's crazy, right? WRONG! He gives her a room to lay down and rest in, and she wakes up to the bad doctor and her husband, come in to take her back where she belongs. What follows is a couple scenes of Rosemary being forced down onto a bed and gagged and injected with who knows what. When Rosemary finally comes to, she's asking about her baby and no one can give her any answers.

This is when the Dr. and Guy come in and give her the bad news that her baby is dead. Grief stricken, Rosemary stays in bed for a day or two... then she begins to hear a baby cry through the walls. This is quickly dismissed though as her husband tells her that there are new neighbors and they have a baby. She also finds it quite strange that the folks who are 'helping her recover' are making her use a breast-milk pump every day, but then taking the milk off into another room. Well... enough is enough, Rosemary waits until everyone is out of her room and sets off to find out why those baby cries are coming from the Castevet's apartment. She silently sneaks in to find a room filled with people... looks like a party. In the center of the room there is a massive baby's bassinet... a black one with an inverted cross hanging overhead. Though we don't get to see the baby we find out that there's something wrong with it's eyes. When Rosemary says "Guy's eyes aren't like that", she's met with "Guy isn't his father.. Satan is!" This is followed by a hearty round of "Hail Satan!" chants. Heh... wow. After Rosemary see's one of these occult people attempting to tend to the crying baby her motherly instinct kicks in and she rocks her devil-baby back to a calm rest. Right as the movie is ending, you can see the very slightest smile cross her face.

This movie is quite an excellent example of what a good Satan/devil movie should be. It reminds me quite a bit of The Omen but is different enough that it's entertaining to watch. I'd have to say that if you haven't seen this movie, what the shit are you waiting for, the 50th anniversary?


Is this kid serious?!

I have developed this rediculous love for Valentine...I must admit I had never seen it until recently flipping through channels and much to my boredom I thought...'oh how fun...a shitty movie I never wanted to see'. You see..I (unlike most) NEVER found anything interesting about David Boreanaz, nor could I ever think he was...'oh so gorgeous'. Other than a week that I was sick a few years ago and watched Angel for like two seconds I have never wanted to see him. Then of course there was Denise Richards...blah..that's all I can say...therefore I just never had an interest in this movie, aside from Marley Shelton and her days of Sugar and Spice I probably never would have even given it a thought...Truth is..I was also like 15 when this movie came out and very picky about stupid things like who was in it and if it seemed like shit...I forgot about it...

Anyway...there I was bored one day...and Valentine was on CineMax. I watched it thinking...nothing else is on and I could post this up on the blog (which I didn't get around to until like a fucking month later and it isn't fucking on demand so I have to wait until it's on again). I liked it quickly...and it didn't take long to love it! It's sooo rediculous but a bit creepy, makes you think of the kids you were mean to back in school.

This one is about 4 friends who were mean to a boy in middle school because he had a crush on one or all of them and asked them to dance with him at their Valentine's dance. Each of the girls rejected him but 3 were especially mean. One of the girls is murdered and another gets a nasty box of chocolates with maggots in it. The girls think that Jeremy Melton, the boy they were mean to, has come back for revenge.

So, Valentine (2001) is actually pretty awesome. It's got tricky little clues and totally mimicks Scream. I love me some Scream...put the puzzle peices together could still be wrong. I love movies that leave you hanging til the end when something happens and you realize either you were right or wrong the whole time on who you thought was the killer!

Valentine deserves major props I never gave it for being unoriginal but awesome!!


Monday, September 7, 2009

The Devil's Rain: Final Girl Film Club Review

The Devil's Rain (1975) - STARRING John Travolta!!!! (sort of)

Ernest Borgnine. William Shatner. John Travolta. Hell... even Eddie Arnold. If you throw a bunch of pretty decent to great actors at a film, will that make it a great movie? The Devil's Rain answers this question in torturous detail.

With The Devil's Rain, the first thing I though of when hearing this title is... do they mean 'The Devil's Reign? Like... his authority over his minions or followers? Nope. It's demonic precipitation, hell-hail, a satanic storm. I'm not sure that even though I watched this movie, beginning to end, that I understood it. From the start you sort of get dropped off on the curb of a strange town. You're really not sure what the back story is, but you're sure of one thing. Someone or something is after the Preston family.

Right off the bat, our friend Mark Preston gets tricked into leaving his mother and this fella (still not sure who he is... uncle maybe?) John alone in the house when his father is already missing. This was only a couple minutes after a man literally melts in front of him under this 'Devil's Rain'. As soon as Mark goes back outside there's screaming and shenanigans coming from inside the house. Keeping his cool, he saunters back to the house to find lovable old John strung up by his feet and bleeding from his mouth, crying. Honestly at that point was probably the only time I felt any emotion through this whole fiasco of a movie. I always have a tendency to feel a little sad when old people are hurt and crying. But I got over it quick because of course the thirty seconds it took mark outside allowed someone... something to ransack the shit out of the house and make off with his mother. So now both his mother and father are missing. He learned from the now-melted man earlier that his father is at some abandoned mining town in the desert along with a man named Corbis. Corbis, a devil worshiper from about 300 years ago, is demanding this book full of signatures.

Maybe I'm stupid but I'm not quite sure why this Preston/Fyffe family held on to this book for so long. Oh, that's right, that's because once the Satanists get ahold of it, they can restore this... bottle of Devil's Rain and... something. Honestly I feel like I walked in halfway through the movie. I know I keep saying that, but damn.

Anyway... Mark does pretty well to beat ass all over the satanic church for quite a while, but eventually they get the best of him and he's crucified and branded and eventually becomes black-eyed like the rest of the followers. It's at about this time in the film that Mark's brother Tom gets wind of the fact that his entire family (except John... is he family?) has gone missing. The pieceashit sheriff is quick to dismiss their disappearances as an act of God. Wind probably blew 'em all away and the rain probably desecrated their house all to fuck. So it's obvious to Tom that he's gonna have to man up and get to the bottom of this bullshit. Oh, I should mention that Tom and the good doctor Sam Richards are having what appears to be a press conference about how Tom's wife can use ESP to control her heart and breathing and shit. Then, just as she's talking about it she starts screaming because she foretells some of the destruction of this Devil's Rain.

Anyway, now Tom's on his way to this mining town. He gets there and finds the church where his brother was just crucified empty. So... long story short, he and his wife set off into the desert and pretty much come back empty handed. Something made him decide to go on his own and he sent his wife away with the car. It's not clear where she went but she seems to disappear for a while. When he gets back to the old family homestead he finds that Dr. Richards is there and someone's finally putting their brain to work in this movie. He managed to find this book, find out what all the names in it mean and he's even well aware of this Corbis fellow. So, with this knowledge, they set off to find the devil worshipers and set some shit straight. They make it to the satanic church and they're exploring and everything... and they manage to find what we later discover is the bottle that actually contains/controls the devil's rain and they're about to head out the door with it when they hear the high priest (cowboy Corbis) and his followers chanting their way back to the church. In haste they put the bottle back but leave the book out on the floor. Fast forward a bit, the followers and Corbis return and find the book on the floor and rejoice because now they can restore the unholiness to their Devil's Rain/Bottle device globe-looking thing. Dr. Richards tries to make a run for it and smash that big glass fucker but gets overtaken by some black-eyed followers. He manages, though, through his wit and persuasion, to talk this follower (who has no soul, mind you) to smash this orb of demonic awfulness. What ensues is... you've been waiting for it, I know... The DEVIL'S RAIN! It's just another thunderstorm like the one at the beginning of the movie. And, somehow, smashing that globe/bottle thing cause a hole to be blown into the roof of the church. Now the DEVIL'S RAIN is coming into the DEVIL'S HOUSE! What we see next is an awesome wax-melt-fest. The rain comes in and literally melts all the devil worshipers into nothing, including Corbis himself.

It seems now that, though most of his family is gone, Tom, his wife and the good doctor are all free from the Devil's Rain. All those devil worshiping fucks done melted into the ground. The movie ends with a 'Thank God we made it' embrace of Tom and his wife, and as the camera pans around them we find, much as we suspected, that Tom's wife is actually Corbis... what a disappointing ending.

I'm gonna go ahead and drop this movie into the 'never gonna watch it again' bucket. I don't think that any of the details I might have missed will make up for any of its shortcomings. If you're a fan of horror movies you have to be able to enjoy bad movies... but this one goes beyond my scope of enjoyability. And what the fuck... John Travolta was in the movie for about 30 seconds TOPS... and he had the shitty pre-contact-lenses black-eye-goo over his eyes anyway. Why in the holy mother of fuck would they EVER put his name on the cover/poster for this movie?! I'm glad I'm not an obsessive John Travolta fan and I don't have to have every movie he's ever been in because this one would've been disappointment enough for that reason alone.

I think I'm going to go back and try to finish the Hellraiser movies...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What can I say?! Grampa lost his long long battle with cancer last week...I have been having a really hard time with this...Jordy has none-the-less been incredibly strong and there for me...exactly what I need...but it stills manages to be one of the hardest things ever for me...I know people die...I know lots of people who were close to me who have died...this one is just different...

And so, I have been trying to keep myself incredibly busy before I break...I'm working on the ability to just sit and watch some movies to bash...

Rest in Peace Vincent Snyder

*at a loss for words...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hellraiser (1987)

Until a day or so ago the only thing I knew about the Hellraiser franchise of movies was the memorable appearance of the ‘pinhead’ character; a cenobite played (in most iterations of the series) by Doug Bradley. Before I decided to take on the task of watching and reviewing this movie and its many sequels I did a bit of googling. I found that this film shares a peculiar circumstance with a fairly well known Stephen King work: Children of the Corn. Like ‘CotC’, Hellraiser started as a short story written by Clive Barker. Well, actually it went something like short story to novella, finally extrapolated to its own 400-page novel, after the fact. That’s right though, at first it wasn’t even its own book. I’m making no critiques based on that fact alone, though. I’m ashamed to say that though I consider myself an avid Stephen King reader, I haven’t gotten to read or watch Children of the Corn yet. I know… some horror movie blogger, right? Anyway, if you’re like me you might wonder how, in both of these cases they managed to squeeze 7+ hours of cinema out of a ‘short’ story. I guess until I actually read this short-novella-story-novel and finish all the sequels I won’t know either. Anyway, enough philosophical, way-too-much-thought-into-it bullshit, I’ve got a few words to say about the first movie. Or, if you’re one of those fucktards… “Hellraiser 1”.

The movie starts us out with a guy paying what looks like a dickload of money for some odd-looking puzzle box sort of thing. Guy takes it home, finds out how to open it and bam! Hooks come out of every direction and tear the poor bastard to pieces. I assume then we’re seeing another dimension where all his pieces and parts end up and a deformed group of people peruse them. We’re then introduced to the handful of main characters that includes Larry, his wife Julia and his daughter Kirsty. (That last one is pronounced Keeersty, if you’re wondering.) Julia is Larry’s second wife and she seems rather disgusted with everything, including Larry. Oh, and her British accent ties in nicely with her shitty-pants attitude. We actually find out pretty quickly into the movie that Larry’s loving wife had had an affair or several with his scumbag brother in the past. Turns out, scumbag brother is the same dumbass at the beginning of the movie that paid way too much for a box that ultimately fucked his world up. At this point I’m hoping this bitch dies first... and I think that’s what they want us to hope for… because, of course, it doesn’t happen quite like that. Long story short, old Lar’ cuts his hand, drips blood onto the very floor where his brother’s pieces and parts got mysteriously sucked down into when that puzzle box got the better of him. Apparently fresh ‘live’ blood is just what the doctor ordered for reanimating exploded dead corpses. Julia is the first to discover that some of Frank has come back to life, not that anyone knew he was dead. He’s a shit-colored slimy skeleton dude. Interestingly enough, they used two different actors for alive-Frank and dead-Frank. Anyway, because she’s so hopelessly still in love with this guy, she begrudgingly agrees to bring him some more fresh blood. The limey old hag somehow seduces a few gentlemen callers over and when she gets them up to dead-Frank’s attic lair, she busts their heads open with a claw hammer. After either two or three of these pitiful, desperate assholes, Frank is almost back to alive-Frank status. As much as a guy who got torn into bits could be. It ends up that this frigid bitch actually cons her own husband into being the dessert for his own scumbag brother. You see, the skin that got ripped all to bits just wouldn’t go back together right. So, being that brothers share things (like bitchy old limey hags) Larry decided he had grown quite tired of being alive and having his own skin and decided to give it to Frank. Ahh, fuck it, we really need to fast forward this some more… Kirsty finds Uncle Frank, thinks that it’s really her father, finds out it’s not, manages to steal the puzzle box (I don’t know why either) and ends up in the fucked up dimension herself. Makes a deal with the lead Cenobite “Pinhead” that she can prove that her uncle managed to bring himself back to life… Cenobite Pinhead is pissed off and he seems to consider sparing her life if what she says is true. They somehow follow her back to the house and she cunningly gets Frank to reveal his true identity… she escapes just as they have the wires hooked up to him for the second time. Bam! Frank’s dead for good. Oh… almost forgot the best news of all. The hag finally dies, fittingly enough, at the hands of her own bad boy lover, Frank.

When I started writing this post I was going to say that I liked this movie because of its rather shitty, claymation-looking special effects and mild-to-medium gore. I still like those things, but I guess it’s just too painful to really synopsize a lot of the important plot details. I guess I was expecting to find out more about this Cenobite Pinhead and less about weird-ass dysfunctional families. To be honest I do look forward to watching the next couple movies and I’m hoping that the sequels to this movie explore this underworld a bit more. Maybe I should just try Children of the Corn…


Friday, August 14, 2009

Holy marshmallow Batman

Have you ever seen such monsters as these??

If you have I am fucking happy for ya...cause I've never seen 'em and am a bit stoked...So I was at the store earlier and saw these hugemungous marshmallows and decided that EVERYONE needs them!! The bag is a mix of regular and strawberry and taste fanfuckingtastic...

Bitches need marshmallows!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"It's milkin' time"

I know, I know...Elvira Mistress of the Dark isn't exactly 'horror' but I had to sneak it in! I love it!! Filmed in 1988 with Cassandra Peterson as her incredibly awesome alter-ego Elvira and Edie McClurg as Chastity Pariah who is also the crazy neighbor in Dicky Roberts: Former Child Star and the girl with huge glasses in Carrie.

Mistress of the Dark starts off with Elvira hosting an old and awful horror flick on a local television station, when the show is over she meets the new owner of the station, who is only after sex (but who's not from Elvira?). Elvia quits her job at the station and finds out her Great Aunt Morgana Talbot has passed away and left something to Elvira. She drives to the town of Fallwell to find her Aunt has left her a house, a dog and a recipe book. Elvira also meets her Great Uncle Vincent Talbot who is only after the recipe book.

Elvira stays in Fallwell for a while and most of the townspeople are not happy. Elvira is told the bowling alley is the place to go in town, when she arrives she is greated by two disgusting and perverted jerks who she pours beer on and is helped by Bob Redding. Elvira immediately has an interest in Bob who runs the local movie theater. The kids in the town bring supplies and paint and help Elvira fix up Morgana's house. She then hosts a midnight show at Bob's theater with the kids in town where Patty, a woman who thinks she is Bob's girlfriend, pours tar and feathers on Elvira.

Back at Morgana's Elvira makes a casserole that turns into a monster from the recipe book for her and Bob and decides to use this recipe to get back at the townspeople at a picnic they are all having. Instead of a monster the casserole the town eats turns into some sort of love potion and everyone crawls all over one another for attention. Vincent, Elvira's uncle, tells everyone that she was a witch and put a spell on them and should be burnt at the stake. Elvira learns about the ring she wears on her finger is magical and saves herself from the riot and bonfire she finds herself infront of. Elvira wins the battle with her uncle thanks to her Aunt's dog 'Gonk'.

Elvira gets a show in Las Vegas that she has been trying to land. We all love a spider lady with boob tassles? Oh, and who knew she could rap?

I love this movie with its rediculous jokes and puns. It's the best with breast, a huge black wig, a shapeshifting dog and a town that thinks they rule the world! If you haven't seen it you need to, if you have and don't love it something is wrong with you! Check it out!
"Unpleasant Dreams!"

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ah, fuck....

So, obviously from the last post being nearly a month ago I haven't done much of anything. We have been pretty busy on some projects; a truck, a fish tank and a trip to Pittsburgh and fell short of watching all the kick ass movies we have stacked up. Since I prefer the essence of cheap scares along with blood and gore at night I will be waiting til this evening to start catching up. But we did go buy House of the Dead Overkill for Nintendo Wii today.

The game is pretty cheesy, pretty awesome, kinda stupid, pretty awesome. It's a first person shooter and it's got the zombies they only call mutants. The weapons aren't the best ever and the narration well...fuck off...but I like everything else. Especially this guy;

A fucking giant with a baby that talks hanging off his belly and mutant clowns that do flips when they are attacking you.

O.K. we will be back after some gaming and bring a movie to ya.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

"We can't bury Shelly - S-She's a friend of ours. "

Evil Dead (1981)

Who doesn't love cabins in the middle of nowhere, being raped by trees and dismembered by a skeleton sword? I know I do!

This one is about 5 young adults, Scotty, Ash, Linda, Shelly and Cheryl, who decide to take a vacation at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. The bridge they cross over on the way all but collapses while they are crossing it. Once they settle down in the cabin they hear something in the basement and obviously have to check it out. The cellar contains the book of the dead, a tape recorder with some kind of demonic recitation and a sword that has a skull figure at the handle. The playing of this recorder wakes some demon-spirits up. Cheryl hears a noise and decides to venture into the woods where she is raped by a tree, when she gets loose she runs back to the cabin. Ash (her brother) decides he will drive her to town to stay somehwere else but alas, the bridge has completely collapsed by now. Cheryl completely freaks out back at the cabin becoming possessed which leads to her being locked in the cellar.

"Soon all of you will be like me... And then who will lock you up in a cellar? "

Soon after Shelly is possessed, she attacks Scotty. First, she is thrown into the fire, Scotty for unknown reasons drags her out and she is after him again. Finally, Scotty grabs an axe that Ash was holding and completely dismembers her and buries her. Next, is Linda who is resting in another room after being stabbed with a pencil by Cheryl. Ash goes into check on her and she of course is possessed. Scotty leaves to find another way back to town but soon after returns beat the fuck up by trees. Linda attacks Ash and he kills her, in a roundabout way and buries her as well, she returns and Ash decapitates her with his shovel. Ash returns to the house to find Scotty's body missing and Cheryl out of the cellar. Of course, he is attacked by both, eventually the book of the dead finds its way to fire and the two begin to morph into nasty bloody puddles of oozing goodness. When Ash walks out of the cabin it is morning, he heads for the car only to have 'something' coming up from behind.

Best line in the movie, one that I'll remember forever: "We can't bury Shelly - S-She's a friend of ours. " Ash's reasoning is rock-solid. And the time I didn't spend laughing at this movie was spent gagging. For example, probably one of the best scenes of gore in all of horror-dom is the eye-gouge scene complete with milky pus-blood followed immediately by a mountain spring of watery blood coming from Scotty's leg.

I have to admit Evil Dead is an amazing wickedly awesome movie! The setting is perfect, the acting is great and Sam Raimi is awesome for writing this shit!! Ash is played by Bruce Campbell who has had some remotely mentionable roles in movies such as Spider-man and The Majestic.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pittsburgh Zombie Walk!

On Saturday July 18th, 2009 the It's Alive Show based in Pittsburgh, PA will host the Third Annual South Side Zombie Walk. There will also be the Concert for the Living Dead which will include live filming of It's Alive! Zombies will meet between 7 and 8 pm at Town Tavern 2009 East Carson St. Professor Emcee Square will begin the walk at 8 pm and the concert will begin at 9 pm at the Rex Theater.

Here be the link to check out more details:

And if you won't be making it to the Pittsburgh area on the 18th make sure you check out the show streaming live at 10 pm EDT here:

So, get over there and check it out!

"They're coming for you, Barbara!" (Night of the Living Dead 1968)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)

Hail to the fucking incredibly awesome shape-shifting aliens that take over science bases in Antarctica. This movie is truly one of the scariest movies I have seen. This horror classic takes place in Antarctica at a research lab/camp sort of compound. The antagonist in this movie is called a thing because it has the capability to... ingest people and animals and then fully imitate and basically become them. So the whole movie is basically whodunit... rather a whoisit to find out who the thing really is. Watching this movie you'll be constantly trying to figure out who it really is and there's even a point in which you might think Kurt Russel's character 'Mac' is the thing. This movie is way, way too good to give away all the good parts. However, I will say that my favorite scene involves a spidery sort of incarnation of the thing followed by the phrase that anyone watching the movie must be thinking. "You've got to be fucking kidding me". I'd watched this movie once before many years ago and spider-thing was the one thing that stuck out in my mind. It's the caliber of gore that would give some people nightmares. With this movies incredible goodness, John Carpenter we salute you!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Pencils down kidds...

So we watched Eraserhead (1977) by David Lynch, last night and wow! This movie is nothing short of bizarre. Henry Spencer played by Jack Nance, Henry lives in a pretty weird industrial setting. When Henry gets his girlfriend Mary X pregnant, her mother insists they get married. The baby is a mutant wrapped in gauze that somewhat resembles E.T. Henry has some pretty fucked up dreams with a blowfish woman who sings 'In Heaven'. For me the most bizarre part of the movie was a dream Henry had in which his head flew off and the mutated face of his baby came up through his neck and his head landed on the cement below. A child runs by and picks up the head (as if this is a normal occurence) takes it to a factory where his brain is drilled into and turned into....did you guess it...eraser heads... In the end Henry attempts to cut the baby out of the gauze and finds its organs out in the open now. He stabs the organs with the scissors and and oatmeal like pourage comes pourring out of the mutation, Henry runs to a corner and tries to starre away. The only interpretation I can come up with for the ending is that Henry dies and is united with the blowfish woman who sang for him before while bright lights flash.

This movie is the most abstract and disturbing view on becoming a husband and father in the same day I could imagine. The entire movie is has so much to interpret that you could take away a different view of it everytime.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Walled In (2009)

Hey kids, here's our take on this movie. It starts out with Mischa Barton as a newly-graduated engineering student. As a gift, her father offers her the chance to supervise her first demolition job on a large apartment building placed strangely in what seems to be the middle of nowhere. On her first visit to the future demolition site, she encounters a rather strange group of individuals who are still occupying the building. Soon she learns more about the building, it's eccentric architect and the murders that happened there fifteen years ago. (This is where the walled-in part comes in... it seems that victims found themselves in a narrow chamber and right as they woke up, they were buried alive in concrete.) We'll let you decide if you want to experience this film on your own or have us ruin all the fun for you...

We can say this much for now, this bizarre film is less than terrifying and does not deliver much gore either. All in all, a pretty disappointing 'horror' movie, but that's not too surprising. This movie is based on a book and the last time I checked, the only author that crosses over even remotely well to live action is Stephen King. Anyone disagree?

Friday, July 10, 2009


This is Jordy and Eva and we love horror films. We look forward to documenting our adventure through the good, bad and ugly parts of the horror genre with you.